Monthly Archives: September 2011

Andrew Wood Converts Terminator to Blade Runner

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Blade Runner transportation

Image by MacQ via Flickr

Andrew Wood looked down at us and then further down the cobbled criss-crossed streets, towards the approaching Grunginator.  He motioned us behind the temple of the dog, before putting his right arm up in the air, and singing to the advancing robot: ‘Stop right there Captain Hi-Top, because this has gone on long enough, you ain’t been programmed right, and you need to tighten up your screws.’

Axl Rose not to Blame for Kurt Cobain‘s Death

The Grunginator stopped, and seemed to show emotion for the first time.  A tear seemed to roll down from its lid, or was it percolator perspiration.  It was hard to tell through the swirling mists encompassing the temple of the dog.

The Grunginator looked up at Wood, and said that it knew it was talking to a friend, as all the Seattle music heroes had been installed in its memory, but it was only doing what Frank Grungenstein and the others that had given it life wanted.

Wood looked down, and said ‘I can see your Heartshine, but they programmed you with biased and incomplete information, blaming Axl Rose for Kurt Cobain’s early death, and sending you back to the 1980s to eliminate him.  Look at me, I never had no beef with Rose, but I still had a similarly self-inflicted short life.’

Terminator to Blade Runner

With that, the Grunginator seemed to calm down, and called for a time-out coffee break.  It made a couple of cappuccinos for itself and Wood and they sat down on the temple of the dog steps.

It all seemed to be calming down, but then Alice in Chains fell out of the sky, singing Down In A Hole.  Alice looked doomed, until being caught by the Grunginator.

The Grunginator looked into the eyes of Alice, before saying:  “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe: Faster Pussycat screeching on stage at the Rainbow Bar and Grill; I’ve watched Seasick Steve die in a dark shared with Love and Hate. A poison dart frog glowing in the Italian Job; Janis and Jimi running wild in the 1970s streets. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to fly.”*

And with that it released Alice’s chains, and Alice flew over the Sea of Sorrow to Nirvana.

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*In Blade Runner,  the replicant Roy Batty delivered the following soliloquy after saving the hero: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe: Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion; I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”

Andrew Wood of Mother Love Bone above the Temple of the Dog

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Apple (album)

Image via Wikipedia

We re-entered the British Quarter but the Grunginator was catching us all the time; its newly discovered hopping technique made it a lot quicker than when it relied on its old robotic percolating.

It was also creating and distributing more poison darts per minute, and one was surely to hit the target; our bonces; before long.

Temple of the Dog Brings Out Mind, Body and Spirit

We were passing the temple of the dog, when Cathy sensed a spirit there.

Angry suggested Dizzy try to reach Andrew Wood, as he had sung about a temple of the dog with Mother Love Bone, and might be able to reason with the Grunginator; it was Angry using his mind well, although Wood did of course become famous in Seattle rather than Britain.

Meanwhile, Elle protected us from the poison darts with her body.

Dizzy Reaches Spirit of Wood with a Keyboard Tune

So Dizzy brought out a portable keyboard, and started playing some Mother Love Bone tunes he thought might tempt the spirit of Wood into our time in Kerrang.

Dizzy started This is Shangri-la, and although it was a great version, there was no movement from the temple of the dog.

But during the latter half of Stardog Champion some mist started swirling out of the temple base.

Then, as Dizzy finished off Man of Golden Words, the spirit of Andrew Wood appeared above the temple of the dog.

Surviving the 1970s with the Help of Jimi and Janis

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A statue of Jimi Hendrix outside Dimbola Lodge...

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, those words in the Italian Job will always be with me.  Charlie Croker, pdf, bellow-croked: “You were only supposed to blow the Beatles Doors off, I’m quite fond of the Stones!”

Then Charlie the pdf started shooting out poison darts like files, but they were no match for the Grunginator, who simply opened his lid and percolated them.

Getta Bloomin’ Move On Self-Preservation Society

Dizzy shouted at us over the carnage, ‘We’d better getta bloomin’ move on, it’s time for a bit of self-preservation.’

So we took advantage of the pandemonium in the Italian Job to leg it out the back.

Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin Help Us Make it Out of the 1970s

At the end of the street we had trouble making our way through the Crosstown Traffic, until a Wild Thing shouted Hey Joe, and then showed us the way to Freedom All Along the Watchtower.

He said he’d love to join us on our travels, but he was meeting something in the Valley of Neptune.

Then A Woman Left Lonely by Bobby McGee picked us up in a Mercedes-Benz.  She asked where we wanted to go.  Dizzy asked her to drop us off back on the edge of the 1970s.

Grunginator is Alive and Well

After we thanked her and she drove off into Summer we got in a huddle to decide what to do next.

Dizzy said he hoped that Charlie Croker might have got the better of the Grunginator, but then we heard a flurry of gunfire and saw the Grunginator hopping down the street a couple of blocks away.

Grunginator Evolves Through Encounters

Dizzy informed us that the Grunginator was programmed to incorporate any new skills it found.

I had a primary lesson in that a minute later, when a poison dart went whizzing past my left lug.

Back to the 1980s

Dizzy said we’d better skedaddle back to the 1980s pronto.

We were relieved to return to the eighties, even though our futures were still hanging by a grungy doc marten lace.

Charlie Croker in Italian Job after the Doors

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Dyeing dart frog (Dendrobates tinctorius).
Image via Wikipedia

The Grunginator walked up to the bar and talked with a poison dart frog barman with Charlie emblazoned on the front of his t-shirt; both the garment and slogan were in bright illuminous colours commonly associated with PDFs.

At times Croker looked greenygrey,
but I didn’t know,
if that was its real display,
or if it was just for show.

Charlie Croker in the Italian Job

As The Beatles struck the first chords of From Me To You, I could just make out Charlie croking something to the Grunginator, but couldn’t make out what it said.

They continued crok n’ crowing throughout the Beatles set, and right through the Rolling Stones show.  The Stones’ set had several songs I related to in our current predicament, such as 19th Nervous BreakdownEmotional Rescue and Gimme Shelter.

The Grunginator Acts During the Encore

After the Stones finished their set with Let it Bleed the Beatles and Doors joined them on stage for an encore of Rip This Joint.

It seemed to be a trigger for the Grunginator, and it started shooting up the place; soon taking out all the musicians on the stage.

Charlie Croker didn’t seem happy about this at all, and I think the words he shouted afterwards will always haunt me.

Doors and Beatles Play Live in the Italian Job

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Fire hydrant from the 1970s

The 1970s were before Kerrang started publishing, so it had a surreal psychedelic atmosphere, with a mixture of swirling ghostly backstreets reminiscent of Black Sabbath‘s early albums, and colourful gaudy main streets that exiles from the 1960s would have rolled right into and not noticed a stone left unturned.

Italian Job Doors 

We strolled through the 1970s as if we were California Dreamin’ on a winter’s day, but then a shot rang out, and we saw the Grunginator hot on our tails.

We ducked into a hip looking jive dive by the name of The Italian Job.  The Doors were on stage, playing Strange Days, and I knew how they felt!

Doors to the Beatles

We found a table in the dark shadows, and hoped we ‘d be out of sight if the Grunginator followed us in.  The Doors started playing My Eyes Have Seen You, and made me a little paranoid.  I felt a little better when they ended their set with The Changeling.

The Beatles took the stage after the Doors, and as they started their set with I’ll Get You the Grunginator walked in!